The sun’s last light descended over the western hills. The rays like fingers reaching to the tops of the trees and beyond. The hues of the clouds glowing purple, orange, and yellow as the final moments of daylight settled across the land. The rain fell in a steady sheet; pelting everything below. And as she gazed from the dry warmth of her window, she wondered how the sun could shine through the rain.
It seemed to be a metaphor for her life, rays of light fighting to make it through the dark clouds. Yet, every so often, the beams of sunshine made into her life. She found a new job and made some new friends. She was busy and didn’t have time to dwell on the state of loneliness and desolation that filled her nights; she didn’t have time to think about him.
Yet, when the workday came to an end, the kids were fed, and the dogs settled in; that’s when the melancholy set in. When she was alone with no one to talk to, friends who didn’t bother to check-in, a life that was deafening in its silence; that is when her thoughts turned to him. She still wondered why she was not good enough, why nothing she ever did was worthy. She didn’t understand why he chose to throw her aside due to lies whispered in his ear by another, someone who only benefited from his anger towards her. She didn’t understand how someone who held a significant piece of her soul seemed to have no clue who she really was, deep inside.
Oh, she was used to people telling her who she was. She was used to them being wrong. But with him, she thought they had understood each other. But she was wrong, yet again. She had completely lost faith in her ability to judge another human. She always wanted to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but often they were undeserving of such faith.
So here she was, writing, forever writing, using it as a crutch to bleed her soul. She hoped someday the never-ending words on the page would purge her soul from thoughts of him. Thoughts that plagued her heart because once again she gave everything she had to a single person who did not want what she had to offer. She was lonely, and she realized that when she stopped reaching out to people, no one was there to reach out to her. She was alone. Alone with her thoughts and the anxiety that has haunted her mind since he came into her life.
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So I did a thing today! Since before we broke up I’d been using his Netflix account. He knew I was. We’d had conversations about it; at least before he stopped talking to me because I am a shitty person who messaged his girlfriend. Except I didn’t, so you know, both of you can f-off. Anyway, I digress.
For the last few weeks whenever I tried to log in to Netflix it said the account was suspended because they couldn’t process his card. Not surprising since he’d gone at least two years without a meaningful job. I did see on his blog he started a new job shortly before I did. I hope it works out for you. I had thought about putting my payment info in there; after all, I’d been using his account for 1.5 years. Perhaps I should give back. But then I realized that would continue to tie him to me; I would continue to see his name every time I logged in. And despite losing all my pandemic history, I held my breath and logged out. (Once I figured out how!)
It had been so long since I’d had my own account, that Netflix said I didn’t exist. Thanks, Netflix! That does wonders for my already teetering self-esteem. But I set up a new account just for me. I broke the last lifeline I was holding on to regarding him. And as I sit here and stare out the window, watching the rain pelt the earth and the sun sink behind the hills, I wonder why there seems to be so much rain and so little light. I want more light. I want to feel like I matter in someone’s life. I want the elusive feeling I’ve been seeking since I was a small child. I want to know what real love is. I want someone to love me, the real me, and not just who they want me to be.