Well, I have announced this in various other places; I may as well mention it here. I got a new job! Yay! I have transitioned from in-clinic Northwest employment to National within my company. I’ve made it to salaried, administrative work. My first day was March 22nd, and I am now three weeks in. My accesses are all finally coming through, and last week I was actually able to work rather than shadow someone else. It does make the day go by much faster if you are actually doing something other than twiddling your thumbs!

Currently, there are four teammates, in addition to me. One of my old Membership Services friends will be joining us soon too! Because people are so fluid at my employer, I already knew two of the team members. I’ve become fast friends with one and collaborate well with the other. So far, 2021 is off to a much better start than 2020.

On that note, I am also having my house painted. The picture above was taken during the Riverside Fire 2020. My parents had meandered to my home when the evacuation level dropped to a two. I was at work. This was proof of my still-standing house! What does that have to do with me getting my house painted? Nothing, but I wanted to show what it looks like now. Also, the previous owners did some wonky fix-it’s, and there are spray paint patches everywhere. It’s taken me four years, a new job, and a painting contractor neighbor trying to get some more jobs under his belt before moving to Alabama to get this done! I expect the new color to make the outside of my home look happy. Stay tuned for more!

Happiness! That’s such an elusive emotion. We all seek it, but it seems so hard to find. When you think you’re about to accomplish your heart’s desire, it vanishes like a wisp of smoke. The other night I was watching the series finale of Wynonna Earp. (I didn’t even know it was the series finale until halfway through when I pulled up the info to see if it was “season” finale. That was a rude surprise!) Anyway, in the end, the actors were talking about their characters and where they were at the end of the show. The actor that played Jeremy made a comment that I have been ruminating on for days. He said, “Jeremy was finally able to forgive himself and move on.”

Forgive himself? All this time, I thought you were supposed to forgive the other person. I know the show’s circumstances were completely different from mine, yet I wonder, is it him I need to forgive, or me? Yes, he could have ended things better, he could have been less hurtful, he might not have lied to and betrayed me. All horrible things that perhaps I need to learn to forgive him for, but am I stuck because I haven’t forgiven him, or because I haven’t forgiven myself for trusting him in the first place? Maybe I am upset with myself for letting him tear down my carefully constructed walls? Am I mad at myself for letting him in, for believing him when his smoky voice told me through the phone that he was worth the chance?

I am not the same person I was before the summer of 2018. While our relationship brought immense pain, there are also positives. For instance, the voices in my head aren’t all negative all the time. Oh sure, there is still plenty of morose thoughts, but now there are positive things sprinkled in there too. I notice more when people find me funny, smart, or appealing, and I don’t only see those who despise me. I make friends with a lot of people. I am also shedding people. People who don’t quite fit with who I am. People I can’t understand and who don’t understand me. Perhaps before I can move on, I need to forgive myself for settling for people who hurt me because I am afraid of being abandoned and unloved.

Forgive myself; it’s something to ponder.

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