Once upon a time, I would send messages to my friends. I would tell them how much I loved them and attempt to set up outings that allowed us to blow off steam and hang out with each other. Yet, as the apocalypse marched on and my depression lingered past the point where others thought I should be over it by now, I stopped reaching out, and so did they. `

I find that we’re not really on the same path anymore if we ever were at all. My attempts to reach out during my anguish were meet with silence; my words brushed away like an annoying gnat circling their heads. When I shared the first story I had published, the screen continued to stare blankly at me until someone changed the subject. I left the group chat at that point. I didn’t feel connected to anyone. My friends didn’t understand my pain, and I found myself reaching out for help, less and less.

Last night, I found myself typing messages, yet I deleted the message before I hit send, like I so often do. If they wanted to talk to you, they would talk to you, I told myself. I do that a lot. When I feel the initiation is one-sided, I stop sending messages. If they eventually notice and message me, then the conversation and friendship continue. However, when they don’t, they drift away like grains of sand in the breeze. Most have drifted away at this point.

Where does that leave me? With dark thoughts swirling inside my head and no way to get out. At times they consume me, and I have to find ways to silence them so I can have a moment’s peace or some sleep. It’s lonely, having no one you can talk to about what is going on in your life. Sure your friends tell you that you can talk to them, that they’re always there for you, but that’s not true. They don’t want to hear your darkness because they’re too busy living in their fake light.

Once again, I am alone. Living in my darkness, trying to silence the demons that scream in my head. Feeling lost and alone, wanting someone to talk to me, REALLY talk to me. But alas, it’s just my demons and me. So tonight, I dance with the devil.

Tina General musings

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