When I think of relationships, I think of two people who love each other. They’re partners in every way; they do their best to ease their partner’s burden, lift them up when they’re feeling down, and share advice and direction when one is drifting. To me, a true partnership is one in which two people come together and do their best to make life as loving, meaningful, enriching, peaceful, and safe for the other person as possible.
I spent 12 years in a marriage that was the opposite of everything I’d ever wanted. It was an emotional roller coaster filled with chaos, hurt feelings, lack of support, and abject apathy towards every single need I ever had. I used to convenience myself that in the end, no matter what we endured, I knew he loved me. When we got divorced, he told me he’d never loved me. So much for what I thought I knew.
I recently had a conversation with a friend. Actually, I regularly have conversations with this friend. I am often struck with the feeling that this friend doesn’t have any of those above things in his relationship either. We don’t talk about it, his relationship, so I only have vague feelings, but enough that I believe it to be true. In any event, I often try to help him find direction as he isn’t satisfied and still wonders what he wants to be when he grows up. He’s content enough, but he doesn’t have that happiness that as humans, we crave.
So why do we stay where we’re content rather than looking for our true heart’s desire? That’s what kept me in my marriage for so long. I was told that perhaps I settled for what I thought was good enough because I didn’t believe I was good enough for anything better. That may be the case, as I did not have a supportive foundation in my youth. Everything I did was always wrong. I was never good enough, hence my feeling like I was never good enough to be loved by anyone.
Does my friend feel the same way? Does he feel like he doesn’t deserve true happiness? I do my best to make suggestions I think would benefit him, and lead him in the direction he wants to go with his career. He does the same for me. We lift each other up when we’re feeling down, we support each other’s dreams and desires. We talk about our hopes. We don’t fight often and when we do bicker, we generally talk about it and try to work out what we can.
We seem to have most of the ingredients for a well-rounded, healthy relationship. And yet, we don’t. Obviously, some important element is missing. I wish I knew what it was. And being me, I assume it is something I lack. That’s usually the way of it.
But either way, I don’t want to be a choice. I want someone who wakes up in the morning and can’t imagine their life without me, as I do with them. I want to make plans for the future. I want to snuggle in bed on a rainy Sunday morning and spend Saturday puttering around the house together or exploring local venues. I want to passionately talk about politics and current events. I want to laugh at your animation when you’re excited. I want to watch the sunset and sit under the moon. I want to be wanted. And yet I despair.
Maybe I am too picky, perhaps I want too much. Maybe I should just settle again. I mean, if you can’t have your true heart’s desire, is close enough, enough? I thought so once, and I was miserable.
At some point, life shouldn’t be so hard.