I started really struggling with depression in the summer of 2019. In December, it got significantly worse, and by January, my entire world fell apart. In those early days, I was a mess. When the kids were at their father’s, I would spend the entire weekend in bed, watching my ceiling fan spin (until that bitch decided to crap out on me too!) Most of this was related to a previously mentioned Jeckle and Hyde relationship I was in. I know, it’s my fault; I should have “bounced.” But I didn’t, and that’s that.
I spent much of 2020 living in a dark fog. The pandemic only compounded issues because I could not go out with my friends or meet new people. I don’t want to share too many details here, but suffice to say, things really sucked. And while I am starting to see the other side, I am not there yet. Something that I really struggle with right now is people who want to be positive ALL THE TIME. No matter what you say, they spin it “in a positive light.” Perhaps they mean well, but dude, it’s really starting to piss me off.
I have spent a lifetime defending myself from verbal and mental abuse, among other things. It’s taken me a long time to recognize a lot of it for what it was. Many days I wonder if they’re right; if I am the problem. But that’s not true. The reality is, I’ve spent my life around the wrong people. People who do not share my beliefs or values. And just because we’re different does not mean there is anything wrong with me, no matter what you want to tell me. I know this consciously, sometimes; however, subconsciously, I wonder.
What does this have to do with Susie Sunshine, you might ask? Well, when I try to talk about what is going on, I am dismissed. My cries for help vanish like smoke in the air, wafting away, a nuisance to the positive vibe they want to embrace at all cost. Good for them! But I can’t handle it. I want to be heard. I want my words to matter; I want to be taken seriously.
Please don’t tell your depressed friend what a great day it is. Learn to rephrase and use I statements. “I’m having a great day.” At least then, we know this is your perception, and it does not leave us feeling like there is something wrong with us for not being able to see the “greatness of the day.” Most days are not great. I am lucky to have one or two good days tossed into the shitstorm that is my life. Great? WTF is that? I don’t care if the sun is shining. That has nothing to do with the worthiness of the day.
So please, stop trying to blow sunshine up my ass. It doesn’t help. It just makes me feel worse. And if you’re doing it for your own mental health, perhaps you can consider dialing it down when you’re talking to me. Yeah, I know; the world doesn’t revolve around me. You don’t have to tell me that. I’ve known that my entire life. My bio-“father” told me that when I accused him of abandoning my brother and me at age one and three. “Not everything is about you.” Yeah, I will have no part in faking positivity because, to me, that is just another lie.